Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
