I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
it's like iHOP with fire
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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