i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
