Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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