Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
