my phone needs a breathalizer
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
