Cold hands, warm shart.
You can't motorboat a personality
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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