I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
