My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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