Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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