Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
