Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
