Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
