explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
