All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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