I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
