When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
