Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
