True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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