I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
