Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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