it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
