remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life