I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Green mimosas i think yes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.