So drunk its hurt
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.