she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
