I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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