I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
