Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
where are my eyebrows?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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