Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
