So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
FUCK WHALES
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
