paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
