I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
