Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
