My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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