what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
