those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
