I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
