I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I can't turn off my feet"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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