dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
