You're my little dorito
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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