Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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