just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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