end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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