when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
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I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
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I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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