Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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