O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
