And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
