maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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