theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
