Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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