he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
