I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
