He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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