dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
