Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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