If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
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Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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