I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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