smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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