I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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