I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
