there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
